February 2021 Get Out of a Rut Project day 12

Well, I got out of a rut today: Instead of numb depression and fuzzy executive function, I zoomed straight into unmanageable rage and despair. There are so many things happening right now that are horrible beyond words, and I am under major pressure around work responsibilities, and I couldn’t handle it. When it came time to choose an outfit I decided I wanted one that makes me feel sleek and badass (even though I’m never going to actually look sleek and badass because of how I’m built). Then that nearly fell apart when the boots I wanted didn’t fit, since shoe manufacturers don’t believe women with big calves deserve stylish, quirky leather boots. So I just picked something else and here’s what it came out as.

Purple velvet dress: Lane Bryant via Goodwill
Black knit cami: Soft Surroundings
Black leggings: Roamans
Black wedge boots: Miz Mooz
Amethyst & onyx cabochon jewelry: Angelwear Creations
Makeup—Aromaleigh except lips and mascara
Foundation, concealer, undereye: standard
Contour: Orpheus & Eurydice Deathly Pallor
Eye shadows: inner half of eye, Irregular Impulse; outer half, Lost in Faerie Caelia; crease and under lower lashes, Mythos Erebos (all discontinued)
Liner on top lid: Tesla Alternating Current (LE)
Mascara: standard
Rouge: Get Cheeky! Smolder (discontinued)
Highlighter: Fatalis Solanum dulcamara
Powder: Glamoured Avena
Lips: NYX Cosmetics Suede Matte Lip Liner Amethyst, Black Label Lipstick Seduction (discontinued), Shimmer Down Lip Veil Fortune Teller (discontinued)

At the time I bought this dress, it wasn’t a style I typically wore: too straight, too short, high waistline. But I ended up pleased with how it fit. Flashing back to my rants about waistlines early in this project, it turns out that this type of high waistline that curves up under the bust and then lower in back does work on me. The typical straight empire waist is impossible for my build, but this style (which is more Regency-influenced) provides more definition and lets the skirt flow in a way that doesn’t highlight (what I think is) the worst about me. This discovery was also happy because waistlines like this are common in many 1930s and 1940s styles, and helps me find dresses that can go with my Noir Dame aesthetic.

There’s nothing wrong with these boots in and of themselves; you’ve seen the style already in another color. But this particular outfit, to me, calls for a tall boot with a tallish heel and more pointed toe, and the pair I have that meets those criteria is not fitting these days because of pandemic bloat. When I was already feeling on a razor edge of emotion because of other things, having that happen made me fragile and self-loathing. Since I barely hold those feelings off on good days, there was no way I was going to be able to manage them productively today. And that just increases the feelings of self-loathing, because vicious cycles are durable.

I’m questioning whether I have the fortitude to continue this project. The last few days have felt stressful and unpleasant because of other responsibilities and doing the outfits hasn’t been fun. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.  But it could end here.

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